Many of us with older parents fear they’ll develop Alzheimer’s disease—that dreaded form of dementia that robs the person of memories of even the closest family members. 

So when I received a very weird handwritten note in the mail from my mother, I feared the worst. This is what the cryptic note said:

                      O A B C D puppies?

                      M N O puppies.

                      O S A R

                      C M P N?

                      Ha, ha!

OMG! I said to myself. Was this the beginning of a memory disorder or a flight into psychosis?

I picked up the phone and called.

“Mom. I got this weird note from you in the mail today. What is this?”

Laughter on the other end. “Isn’t it funny?”

“Um… not really,” I said. “Are you okay?”

“Yes…why?”

“The note is bizarre.”

“It’s so funny,” she said. “We used to do it when we were little.”

“I don’t get it.”

Then she explained. Couldn’t she have included the explanation in the letter and saved me time researching the symptoms of early dementia? So, here it is–the translation of the “funny” note she had sent me:

Oh, Abie! See the puppies?

‘Em ain’t no puppies.

Oh, yes they are.

See ‘em peein’?

Hmm.. good question.  And if they do, should they? Since atheists don’t believe in God, should they be using the phrase in the first place?

It got me to thinking, where does this term come from and what does it  mean?

Modern science explains that when our nasal passages become irritated, sneezing helps to clear out the offender, whether it be dust, pollen, or in the case of toddlers, anything that will fit up there. Did you know when you sneeze, water droplets and other ick come flying out at over 100 miles per hour?

I was surprised that my internet search session found that no one is sure where the term “God Bless You” originated, or why.

Some speculate that in earlier times, people believed that when someone sneezed, their heart stopped. So when we say “God Bless You,” we actually mean, “I hope God restores your regular heart rate.” So why not be clear and say that instead? I think it sounds more current. And just to reassure you, modern science has shown that the heart does not stop when we sneeze. Thank God.

Since a cough was the first symptom of the Black Plague during the Dark Ages, some suggest that people would say “God Bless You” and mean,” I hope those flea infested rats haven’t gotten to you.”

Others say that a sneeze expelled the Devil or evil spirits from the body, so “God Bless You,” meant “I hope you got all those buggers out of your system.”

Bottom line: no one knows exactly why we say “God Bless You”. So you can make up your own reason for saying it. Your reason would be just as valid as all others.

How about we say “God Bless You,” because when we sneeze, we close our eyes and God willing, we don’t crash into anything if we’re sneeze-walking. So we could instead say, “I’m so happy you didn’t knock anything over.”

Or maybe “God Bless You,” means “You should thank God that he made you cover your mouth when you sneezed in my face or I would’ve slapped you silly.” That’s probably too long a phrase, however.

How about simply, “I like you, but stay away from me if you’re getting sick.” That’s a good one.

Anyway, back to the question of “should atheists say ‘God Bless You’?”

Someone else has already researched this issue. If you check out www.ask.metafilter.com you’ll find one atheist who has no problem with the phrase. Other atheists report that they use, the German “geshundeit,” or “salud” meaning “health.” Another says “Go in peace,” while another says “Die in a fire.”

Seems it’s okay to say whatever you want. Personally, I like “Hey! Keep your snot to yourself!”

Do you have a favorite?

We’ve all seen it.  Urine on the inside of the toilet lid which obviously has ricocheted like an eight-ball onto the toilet seat and then run down, like the Yellow River of China, into the water below. Lovely.

So why do they do it? I thought I’d “Google” to find out.  I searched “male peeing habits” and found the following.

Up first was this entry, although I have no idea why:

“Unsanitary Peeing Habits of Urban Indian Women”  This entry included the question “why do women pee on the floors in the washrooms of upmarket malls?”

After I saw this was the first entry to pop up from my search, I  knew there was trouble ahead.

Next was a men’s only poll which asked questions about whether the man uses the fly on his underwear, whether he stands, sits or squats (???) and when outdoors, does he pee on a tree, rock, into a pond or in the middle of nowhere.  Makes me want to stay on the trail.

After that was an entry about a puppy that “goes peeing on all four legs (like a horse.)”

It must be an “off” night for Google. The first entry is about Indian women peeing on the floor, then there’s a poll about men’s underwear flies and then a horse peeing puppy. Geez.

Let me continue.

On the next site, a woman complained  “I am personally sick of having to bleach all around the toilets when I clean. And then my fiancé complains about the smell and I tell him that when he can actually pee in the toilet and not on it, I’ll gladly stop.  Also I almost stepped in a pee puddle one night when we first started living together. The next morning I supervised him clean it up. Men are gross.”

Yeah! You go girl! You should’ve rubbed his nose in it! Oh, wait.  That would be for the puppy that pees like a horse. Sorry.

I decided to stop after the following entry, lest things get completely out of hand (no pun intended.)

This entry was titled “Peeing in the Shower: Filthy or Fine?”  from today.msnbc.com, a reputable source—well, at least compared to the others.

Ladies….PLEASE, PLEASE delete this blog after you read what comes next and UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES ALLOW YOUR HUSBAND TO READ IT!

The answer to “Peeing in the Shower: Filthy or Fine?” is:

         “It isn’t really that gross.  Unless you have an infection, urine is sterile and nontoxic. Proponents of “urine therapy” even believe it can help treat athlete’s foot.”

NOW QUICK! 

I just shook my head when I heard this one.  The students in the high school class turned and looked at the girl who had just made this startling annoucement.  How could such an awful thing happen at an all-American institution like Sea World? And by Flipper, now less. Shocking!

The students gathered arround the misguided teen for more information. One, more critically-minded girl said, “that doesn’t make any sense.”  To which the teen replied, “Well, dolphins are mammals, you know.”

OMG! (as they say) I’d better watch out for squirrels! They’re mammals too!  SQUIRRELLLLLLLL!

The gullible teen who had made the shocking announcement gathered her classmates around the computer and called up YOUTUBE.

“See!” she pointed at the screen. “This dolphin is trying to rape this trainer!”

The video showed a dolphin swimming around the legs of a scuba-clad swimmer.

The girl’s classmates looked at her.

“See! I told you!”

Sometimes teenagers scare me.

LASH BLAST! 

Have you noticed all the television commercials lately for eyelash products?  For mascara’s sake! How dark and long do our eyelashes have to be? 

All this obsession with lush and lengthy lashes got me to wondering…

Did you know that you have about 100 eyelashes on your upper lid and 60 on your lower? And that the poor things only live 45-90 days before they fall to the floor or fling themselves into your eye? That the purpose of eyelashes is to protect the eye from dust and flying particles? (Think camels)

Ever seen a person without eyelashes?  Doesn’t look right, does it? The cause could be scarring from surgery, burns, radiation or chemotherapies, or a disorder called “trichotillomania.”  That’s where you pull out your own eyelashes.  And then maybe you eat them. Or maybe not.

D.W. Griffith, famed movie director, was the first person to use false eyelashes—on his starlets, that is.  According to model21eylashes.com, these early lashes, for the 1916 movie “Intolerance” were created by a wigmaker who wove human hair through gauze and then glued it onto the actress.  Fashioneyelashes.com, however, says these first falsies were made of fringe attached to a thread.  Whichever is correct, the fragile things only lasted a few hours.

It wasn’t until the 1950’s that false eyelashes became popular with non-actress types.

 In 1967, the skinny model Twiggy further popularized the look when she wore three pair at the same time.

These days, eyelash “extensions” are popular. This trend made it’s way to us from Asia in the late 1990’s.  Made from polyester or mink, the fake lashes are glued to one’s natural hairs, then trimmed and curled.  What is it with Asia and eye hair? Ever seen those kiosks in the mall where Asian women tie thread around your eyebrow hairs and pull them out with their teeth? What the…

Oh, and there’s also “eyelash transplantation.” OW!  Check out the “International Society of Hair Restoration Surgery” website. The good people there say that “The ornamental value of eyelashes is subject to fashion trends that decree what ‘look’ is preferred in any given era and culture.”  If you haven’t noticed, we are officially in the LASH BLAST ERA.

If you want an eyelash transplant, you should know that the hair might be harvested from the back of your neck, behind your ears, or from your eyebrows or legs (along with some skin.) YIKES! But the best part is that YOU’LL BE AWAKE when they do the procedure!  No thanks.  I’ll go for the polyester stick-ons.

Let’s not forget Brooke Shields, who appears in commercials selling a chemical product that you paint on your eyelids to make your lashes grow fuller.  Great stuff if you want to risk turning your blue eyes brown.

Want to go back to the early, early days? 

Ancient Egyptian women AND men applied a mixture of kohl (made from a metal called antimony), crocodile poop, water and honey to their lashes. The first mascara!  Hooray! These same people also outlined their eyes with the dark stuff.  Theory was dark eyes would keep away the evil spirits from the “windows of the soul.”  Hmmm.. I wonder if you can buy kohl at Kohl’s?  But where would I get the crocodile poop?

Much later, in the 1800’s, women darkened their lashes with elderberry juice, or applied lampblack with a small brush. A very clever guy in the 1910’s saw his sister Mabel mix lampblack with petroleum jelly and apply to her lashes. Thus was born…Maybelline mascara.

In 1938, waterproof mascara was invented.  Only 50% turpentine!

Early mascaras came in pressed powder cake form and had to be applied with a moist brush.  The handy-dandy wand applicator was invented in the 1960’s.

These days its liquid, lash-blasting, forever lasting…

OW! GEEZ! Gotta’ go…just tripped over my long, lush lashes. 

photo by Asobi Tsuchiya

“A real Rube Goldberg operation.”   Who?

“Like coals to Newcastle.”   Where?

“What the Sam Hill?” Huh?

When you spout these phrases, do you have any idea what you’re talking about?

Are you using them correctly or making a fool of yourself trying to sound intelligent?

When you least expect it, someone, somewhere, is sure to ask, “What do you mean by that?” So, don’t get caught with your pants down.  Let’s cut to the chase and understand this mumbo jumbo.  Make no bones about it; these phrases are easy as pie to understand.  You won’t be in over your head.

The original “dog and pony shows,” were small traveling circuses in the late 19^th and early 20^th centuries. Animals, including dogs and ponies, were popular acts in these tent-less circuses.

 Today, we use the idiomatic phrase “a dog and pony show,” to refer (usually negatively) to a complex production or presentation designed to sway opinion. For example, an elaborate and costly marketing campaign for a product or a political candidate, especially when it has little real substance, might be referred to as a “dog and pony show.”  Knock on wood, you won’t fall for one.  Don’t let anyone pull the wool over your eyes.

When we refer to something as a “Rube Goldberg Operation,” what do we mean? “Rube Goldberg” was an inventor, prolific cartoonist, sculptor, engineer and author.  A Renaissance man of sorts, he was born in 1883 and lived until the ripe old age of 87, creating cartoon characters like “Professor Lucifer Gorgonzola Butts.”  Professor Butts designed elaborate and unnecessarily complicated machines that carried out simple tasks like opening windows or scratching insect bites.  These machines came to be called “Rube Goldberg Machines.”   Here are a couple of examples.

Rube Goldberg™ & © of Rube Goldberg, Inc.

So, when we call something a “Rube Goldberg Operation”  or “Rube Goldberg Machine,”  we mean a system or procedure that is convoluted and overly-complex.  If you happen to like this sort of thing, check out the Rube Goldberg student competitions on the internet.

How about the phrase “coals to Newcastle?” This idiom dates back to the 15^th century.  Newcastle, England was home to many coal mines and the coal was exported to London and other areas.  Since it makes no sense to bring “coals to Newcastle,” because the place is already brimming with it, the phrase means to waste one’s energy on a useless task or to bring something to a place or person that already has too much of it.  

Sort of like the Scottish food company that, in 2003, decided to sell pizzas to Italy (although the pizzas were gluten-free.) “I suppose the deal is the Italian version of sending coals to Newcastle,” Cosmo Pasta’s Cosmo Tamburro told The Daily Record of Edinburgh. 

And then there’s “sam hill,” as in “what in the sam hill is going on?”  There actually was a person with this name. Sam Hill, born in 1857, was a railroad executive who was instrumental in creating the Pacific Highway and the International Peace Arch at the American/Canadian border.  But the idiom can’t be attributed to him, since the phrase predates his existence. 

There supposedly was another Sam Hill, a farmer and politician from New England, but the phrase has nothing to do with him either. 

Sam hill is simply a euphemism (a more socially acceptable way) to say “hell,” as in “what the hell is going on?”  Some believe that the word “sam” means “damn,” so the idiom means “what the damn hell.”  Sorry Mr. Hill.  This idiom has nothing to do with you. 

            Now that you know the origin of a few oft-used phrases, you can use them with confidence. And here’s one for the road:  “one for the road!”

            Check out more idioms at www.idiomdictionary.com.

What?  Are you kidding?  I have never heard of anyone who thought Marco Polo was two people.  Seems she got this idea from the swimming pool game called “Marco Polo.”

Oh, my gosh. I decided to check around and see if  anyone else had this mistaken belief.  I quickly found someone. 

On an internet website I found a woman who wrote: “Like how did the game come about and what is the history behind it?  NO! I DO NOT MEAN THE TWO PEOPLE MARCO AND POLO!  I MEAN THE WATER GAME YOU PLAY IN THE POOL.”

I am always suspicious about a person’s intelligence when he or she starts a written sentence with the word “like.”  My suspicions were confirmed when I read the second sentence about the two individuals Mr. Marco and Mr. Polo.  Seems there’s more than one person with  Marco Polo confusion.

So, to clear up the puzzlement, here’s the lowdown on the one and ONLY Marco Polo.

Marco, the son of a Venetian merchant, was born in 1254. His father Nicolo and his uncle Maffeo returned home to Venice from travels to the East when Marco was 15.  Since his mother had died and he was alone, Marco traveled the “silk road” to China with his father and uncle when they set sail again.                                          

       The trio spent more than 20 years at the court of the Kublai Khan (Genghis Khan’s grandson) and Marco held various government positions there.  When they returned West with 14 ships, 600 passengers, and a princess who was promised to a Persian king, they landed at a Persian Gulf port with a reported 18 survivors.

                Marco and his father and uncle sailed on to Venice, only to find the city at war with Genoa.  After joining in the war, Marco was captured and sent to prison for two years.  While there, he dictated his tales of adventure in the East to Rustichello da Pisa.  The subsequent book, entitled “Il Milione” (after the family nickname) also known as the “The Travels of Marco Polo,” told of Marco’s experiences.                                                                                   

                This book was useful to other explorers, as it was rich in geography, but historians question the veracity of many of the stories.  Did Marco Polo actually visit the places he described or exaggerate stories he had heard from others who had made the trip?  If he did visit China, how was it that he failed to tell about tea, the Great Wall, and chopsticks? 

Was Marco Polo a great explorer or simply a great storyteller?  Were his stories “all wet?”

                Speaking of wet, let’s get back to the pool game popularly known as “Marco Polo.”  In this game, one person takes the role of “It.”  This person closes his or her eyes and yells out “Marco!” The other swimmers bob about responding, “Polo!” This back and forth Marco-Polo calling continues until the “blind” “It” finds and touches one of the swimmers.  The tagged swimmer becomes the next “It.”      

                So, why “Marco! Polo!” and not “Albert! Einstein!” or “Calvin! Coolidge!?”

                My internet search unearthed no substantive connection between the explorer/storyteller and this blind-man’s buff pool game.   The only connections suggested are that Marco Polo sailed in the water and that since he was an explorer, he was traveling “blindly”—not really certain where he was going. 

I’d like to contribute that Marco Polo also drank water and that maybe he liked to blindfold himself and touch other people.  Who knows.  He left that story out of his book.               

The best thing I found on the internet concerning “Marco Polo” was on a fun website at  www.dearblankpleaseblank . The submitter wrote the following:

“To Osama Bin Laden:   ‘Marco!’”  

I hope he answers.

Hmm..  Not the typical comment you expect to hear around the dinner table. “Gee, the sweet potatoes are really tasty this year,” would be more like it.  But no.  With my family, you get a strange utterance about bi-sexual fish.

Something sounded FISHY to me about this, so I decided to throw my HOOK into the interNET and see what I could REEL in.

It seems that in a number of lakes in the Chesapeake Bay region, scientists have found fish that have both female and male characteristics (shouldn’t  these be called “hermaphroditic” and not “bi-sexual?”)  To be specific, in six Delaware and Maryland lakes, male largemouth bass have been discovered with female eggs inside.

Pollution is to blame, says scientist Dan Fischer of the University of Maryland.  Hormonal mutations, he reports, can be caused by pollution from poultry and humans.

What is this pollution doing to the rest of the animal kingdom, including humans?

And did you hear the story about fish they’ve found that are loaded up with Prozac?

Stop flushing this stuff down the toilet!  It winds up in rivers and lakes.

Call me and I’ll come over and pick it up and um…… dispose of it…. um…. properly.

“Put Kool-Aid in your dishwasher”      

Huh?  Seems the latest craze is running lemonade flavor Kool-Aid (the only one that’s purported to work) through an empty dishwasher to remove lime deposits and iron stains.  Hmm. And I’m supposed to drink this stuff?  Will it clean out my internal lime deposits and iron stains?  If it erased wrinkles, I might try it.

When I was younger, we sometimes had Friday night spaghetti dinners at Grammy’s. One of the drink choices was Kool-Aid. My cousin Butch drank gallons of the stuff and always got yelled at for it. Funny thing was, the adults were the ones who mixed up the stuff and gave it to him. He didn’t go into the kitchen and brew it up for himself!  I opted for iced tea or milk, never quite trusting the curious powder and the suspicious colors it turned the water.

Have you ever opened a packet of Kool-Aid?  Do you enjoy the feeling when the powder goes up your nose?  Maybe they should rename it “Fizzy Sneezing Powder.”  What’s in this stuff?  Turns out it’s not as noxious as I suspected. In fact, one serving has less sugar than soda. The ingredients in unsweetened lemonade are citric acid, calcium phosphate (prevents caking), salt, maltodextrin, natural flavor, lemon juice solids, ascorbic acid (vitamin C), artificial color, Yellow 5 Lake, Yellow 5 and BHA (preserves freshness.)

So, who was the person who came up with Kool-Aid?  If you travel to Hastings, Nebraska, you’ll find out. It’s the home of Kool-Aid. Visit the Hastings Museum and you’ll find out anything you want to know.

Edwin Perkins invented Kool-Aid after becoming fascinated with a powdered dessert mix called “Jell-O” which Perkins convinced his father to sell at his general store. Jell-O was introduced by Kitty Shoemaker, a childhood friend of Perkins, whom he later married.  Perkins, fascinated from a young age, with chemistry came up with “Fruit Smack,” a bottled drink that came in 6 flavors. When breakage became a problem, Perkins devised a means of removing the liquid and packaged the remaining powder as “Kool-Ade.”  The spelling was later changed to “Kool-Aid.”

Perkins also marketed a product called “Nix-O-Tine,” to help people get off cigarettes, but Kool-Aid became so popular, he dropped this product and moved production, in 1931, to Chicago.

Kool-Ade was originally 10 cents per packet, but during the Depression, dropped the price to 5 cents. Kool-Aid became an extremely popular drink and after World War II, when fruit acid and dextrose rationing ceased, Perkins expanded the factory and by 1950, one million packets per day were produced by 300 factory workers.

In 1953, Perkins sold the Kool-Aid brand to General Foods. Today Kraft Foods, who bought out General Foods, owns Kool-Aid. Kraft Foods changed the “mascot” from “Pitcher Man” to the current “Kool-Aid Man.”

Take the Kool-Aid Quiz  (answers at end of article)

1. What were the 6 original Kool-Ade flavors?
2. What was inventor Edwin Perkins’ favorite flavor?
3. What 2 flavors were added in 1955?
4. In 1978, who encouraged his clan of over 900 devotees to drink potassium cyanide-spiked Kool-Aid?
5. Pre-sweetened Kool-Aid was introduced in the 1960’s using what maligned sweetener?
6. The original Kool-Aid mascot “Pitcher Man” was designed in 1954 by Marvin Potts, a year after General Foods acquired the brand. Where did Marvin get the idea for the face?
7. What new balloon will be in this year’s Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade?

 scroll down for quiz answers

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 Answers to Kool-Aid quiz

1. Original flavors:  strawberry, cherry, lemon-lime, grape, orange and raspberry
2. Inventor Perkins’ favorite was raspberry (no longer available)
3. Introduced in 1955: root beer and lemonade
4. Trick question!  Jim Jones mixed his potion with “Flavor-Ade” not Kool-Aid
5. Cyclamates, which were banned in the U.S. in 1969, but still used in other countries
6. He got the idea when he saw his young son drawing smiley faces in the condensation on the window
7. Yes! you’re right!  Tune in next Thursday to see it!

 And don’t forget!  Next time you drive through Hastings, Nebraska, stop at the Hasting Museum to see the Kool-Aid exhibit!

The concrete deer in question is an old decorative statue painted brown, with a glossy black nose and soulful black eyes. It’s uplifted tail is painted white on the backside, like the white-tail deer common to the area. The fake creature is the size of a small deer; it’s head is about 4 feet off the ground and the body is about 4 feet long. The statue has been standing in the yard, minding its own business, for about 40 years.  Every once in a while, a bee will land on it’s ear, or an ant will crawl over it’s back, but that’s all the contact the concrete deer has had with wildlife.  And now a stag wanders into the yard and tries to hump it?

The details of the story are that the male deer approached the poor fake creature from the back, and when it’s “contact” was unsuccessful, it walked around the faker’s front and stared into it’s eyes. After getting no response, the male deer returned to the back end, whacking off (perhaps a poor choice of words) one of the faker’s ears with it’s antlers. The male made another attempt at mating, trying to “cement” the relationship, but was again rejected.  He then turned on his cloven hooves and left the yard. Presumably in a huff.  (If you are a woman, I’m sure you know what that looks like.)

This “tale” raises the issue of inter-species mating. Is it appropriate for a real deer to mate with a statue?   Is it wrong for a human to mate with an animal? Yes!  It is wrong (you had to ask?!?!)

Take the case of the Long Beach man, whose photo appeared in a New York newspaper today.  He is accused of sexually abusing his pet dog, a four year old shiba inu.  He has been charged with “misdemeanor sexual abuse of an animal.”  

Just to reiterate–sex with someone (or something) outside of your species is not appropriate.  This includes animals and, I imagine, statues.

                                                                                     “Get out of my yard you pervert.”